THE DENIAL OF EMOTIONS: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW

In western culture we are conditioned to control and suppress our emotions.  We are told to be in charge: “stop crying, get a grip on your emotions, you are being weak, get tough, toughen up”.  And so we put on a brave face when in fact we are struggling with how to process and deal with them.  

We are never taught in western culture how to deal with emotions except through suppression and control.  This of course has dire consequences for our mental health and well being in general, as the emotions that we suppress will continuously repeat until we let go or we find some way to vent them as a form of release.  After that, we will feel normal and calm again and back to ourselves. 

The emotions that we suppress and control are created through how we think, in particular Attachment Thinking.  When we hold on in our thoughts we create fear-based emotions and thoughts.  It is these emotions that we hold onto and try to control and suppress in this kind of thinking.   

Whilst it is important to see how they are created or generated, it is also important to see how we manage them and what approaches are used to reinforce denial.  I will touch on these in this post.

Even though the emotions that we all struggle with in life only show up in this kind of thinking, it is important to accept them in the moment in which they show up even though we are conditioned not to do this.  

Instead we are conditioned to fight or resist our emotions to show that we are in control, that we are strong, brave and happy.  As a result, we hide or mask our emotions for fear of being judged, criticized or rejected as we are supposedly being weak in letting our emotions rule us or showing or expressing them to others.  

To show or express our emotions requires being vulnerable, open and honest with what we feel or are experiencing.  However, we are not conditioned to do this socially and this means that we have to process the emotions ourselves.  This is difficult when the only way we know is suppression or to escape or run both of which are not healthy options.

We also create a fear of feeling our emotions through resistance and suppression. What generally happens is that we think the emotion is going to hurt us.  We become a victim and feel powerless and so we try to run or escape and we do this through various means, see my post on Escape Routes.

So not only do we avoid feeling our emotions through various escape routes, we also avoid showing them through our conditioned way of thinking, i.e. we have to be positive and happy all the time or be brave and strong.  In doing this, we will then find ourselves in an internal conflict trying to change what we feel, i.e., forcing another emotion such as happiness through positive thinking or being strong in general.  This of course never works as we always return to the emotion that was suppressed or covered up.

Being strong is actually a mask of feeling vulnerable. We are okay but we are not. We say to ourselves, “I am strong. I can handle this”. However, this avoidance or denial of what we are feeling or experiencing creates stress, tension and anxiety because we can’t be ourselves and show or express what we feel.  It is therefore a form of non-acceptance.   

Socially, there is shame in expressing or showing emotions through the fear of being judged, criticized or rejected.  The shame is - “something is wrong with you.  You shouldn't be feeling what you are feeling”.  And so there is a fear of not just the emotions but also expressing them as well.  The fear and the emotions are then suppressed.  

The denial of emotions goes across many areas of our lives. In spirituality for example, the emotions are to be transcended or observed as a witness, to not engage and allow whatever is happening to pass.  In the work place and business in general, we are taught not to bring our emotions to work.  They are to be left at the door.  Children’s emotions are dealt with through some kind of bribe or punishment.  These are used to get children to be quiet, to shut up or stop altogether.  And so children learn that it is not okay to not only experience emotions but also to express them.  This denial then carries through their lives and has consequences for their mental health and well being.

How to Handle and Process Our Emotions

Even though the emotions we try to suppress and control such as fear, anger, frustration, depression, sadness, anxiety and stress are created through Attachment Thinking, it is important to accept what we have created.   

If we feel a particular emotion, then validate and accept that, as that is what we are experiencing in the moment.  We may not like what we are experiencing or feeling, but that has to do with our preferences rather than literally what is happening in the moment.

To accept and validate does not mean we give ourselves permission to sit in the emotion and do nothing as a result or make excuses as to why something can’t be done because we are suffering from a particular emotion.  It just means that it is okay to feel and experience emotions and to learn from them by asking questions such as:

·     How was the emotion created or triggered?  

·     What were you thinking?  

·     Was a thought being held onto and if so, what was it?

·     Or, was the emotion created as a reaction to an interaction or some kind of a situation?

 Learning from what happens in Attachment Thinking, what kind of emotions are created and how they are denied through various means, empowers us to see and be responsible for what we are doing in our thinking.  If we don't see and learn, then we remain a victim and feel powerless in the rabbit hole that we created through how we think.

This awareness of Attachment Thinking and what happens when we do it, is essential for our lives. Of equal importance is how to break the cycle and return back to our calm and normal selves, where we do not create the emotions and thoughts that we all suffer from in this kind of thinking. How can this be done? You can do this through my new online course called Change Your Thinking, Change Your Life. To find out more about the course, please click here.

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